breathless and helpless

how often do we think of death? this question came into my head as we waited for kenneth to come down. suddenly the people around me started to talk about death and how scary it is, but how often does this happen? how often do we really take a sit back and think of what is truly important in life? and how hard does reality have to hit us before we learn?

i'm somewhat puzzled by how affected i am by the death of kenneth's dad. for some reason, i feel like im making it a much bigger deal than it should be or is. but i dont understand why. and i seem to be the only one who is affected to this extent. or maybe the others are too, but theyre not showing it. i dont know. i'm so confused.

maybe its because of the fact that its kenneth, and he's such a special friend. from the first day we met for orientation in J1, my life has been a challenge. how on earth do i get along with this guy who swears so much (more than i had ever witnessed at that point in my life), is so against Christ and hates christianity, and who just seems so hard to get along with? worst still, we become classmates. how on earth can i survive my jc life with this person who punctuates his sentences with profanities, and is so against my belief? what if he ends up hating me or something happens that causes me to stumble or...

but the past 2 years getting to know this boy have been nothing short of amazing. he's a great guy, a great friend, and someone who really just accepts you as you are. sure, there are times when i've been disappointed (although i really am not in the position to be disappointed) by him, and there are times when he gives me false hope. but for some reason, God has helped him to remain as a faithful friend to me.

the word that comes into my head now is reflection. somehow, this whole situation happening now seems to be somewhat of a reflection of my relationship with God. though im not seeing the parallels, the word reflection is speaking out so strongly to me.

when will we ever stop regretting? when will we ever realise our time is limited? when will we ever wake up from our slumber and dream that the world is a perfect place?

what of the christians then? those who swear, those who smoke, those who dont give a second thought about their faith? i'm not trying to be self-righteous here, and neither do i think i am a better christian than them, and im not judging either (theyre my friends!). in fact, i quite thank them because they force me to reflect on my own christian faith. do i avoid them just because i dont feel comfortable aroudn them? do i stick to my christian friends and circles because i feel safe there?



i dont know how long it will take me to get over this. i feel like God is teaching me a different kind of genuine compassion. not just empathising or sympathising, but really knowing what the person is going through and crying with them and for them and mourning with them. it is so tiring, and it makes me feel so lousy cos i cant be strong for the person.

life goes on, we forget the past, we forget our lessons, and we face it all pver again in the future. thats typically life, right? but this is only possible, i believe, because of the grace that God gives to us. without that grace, every time we fall, we cannot stand. thank God for his grace.

i'm praying for you, kenneth. and im praying for your family too. im praying for comfort and strength, and for salvation for you and your family. please dont turn away. God is calling you so much louder now than ever before. don't turn a deaf ear to him. listen and seek him, and you will find him.