2:40am.

So it's the middle of the night, and I can't sleep cuz thoughts are keeping me awake. So I figured why not pen them down, since I've been wanting to put some of these thoughts into writing for a while now.

It's storming like crazy outside right now: perfect writing mood?

So I took a trip last weekend with this guy friend who - to be honest - I wasn't exactly the closest to. In fact, when we were on the trip, I had only known him properly like, what, 5 months max? I definitely wasn't expecting anything to happen from the trip.

In fact, the relationship I have with this particular friend is really interesting, because we first got to know of each other 2 years ago during a school trip to Thailand, and absolutely hated each other - it was mutual. Subsequently, I didn't really get to know him much until towards the end of year 4, when we started hanging out a little bit more as a big group of geographers, and even then, we didn't quite interact with each other. He's a scholar as well, so we subsequently went to post-grad together, and were in a few of the same classes, and some of the groups as well. Being in the same group was probably the first time I properly interacted with him, and even then it was in group settings and under working conditions, so nothing really personal. And I never spent much time with him outside classes either.

At the end of the first semester, I went to London, as did a bunch of other geographers for some reason, and we met up in London, even caught a couple of theatre productions together, and hung out a little. That was cool, right, just like getting to know a new friend and all. But nothing very deep; in fact I did still feel quite distant from him; there's this wall he has around him that makes him quite unapproachable and it's like a barrier you feel you cannot overcome. As someone who didn't know him quite well then, he was incomprehensible. I didn't understand him. He was a mystery. And I suppose I was fine with that.

When the second semester started, he was in a few of my classes as well, and we worked pretty closely for one of the modules. More importantly, we started hanging out socially. There was once when we bumped into each other completely by coincidence, and did work for a bit together. We started going out for drinks, under social and casual circumstances. And these drinking sessions were pretty often; more often than I can count or remember. And I remember a particular outing we had (there were three of us, and occasionally just two of us) when he volunteered information about a very terrible break up he went through, and he shared very, very openly. The extent of detail he shared surprised me, and it was definitely unexpected. I, of course, had my fair share of confession as well. That night really surprised me because I was surprised at the quality and level of conversation we had; I never imagined this possible with this person. He always just seemed so shut off and distant and preventing anyone from entering his life, perhaps due to his bad break up. After that night, he even texted some pretty meaningful things and I remember being really grateful for this new found friend and the wisdom he shed.

Throughout the semester we continued to hang out over drinks and stuff. Then practicum happened, and our interactions were normal; there was even once when our schools had a soccer match against each other and we were both down to support the school. It was pretty funny. He was really good support for practicum. In fact, it was probably because of him that I made such good friends with another trainee on practicum in my school - he was one of our mutual friends. Throughout practicum we shared resources, hung out a couple of times, and occasionally chatted. All was well and good.

After practicum ended, we went back to post-grad, and, of course, continued to meet for drinks. Our trip happened the weekend of the first week back at post-grad, and I remember we were on the train together the day before the trip, and I was just asking all these questions and he was answering so openly, I was again surprised. Maybe because previously we were all under the influence of alcohol, but this time round, both were completely sober and he was willing to share to the same extent. Before the trip I was kind of apprehensive, because what were we supposed to talk about? And he seemed to always avoid being alone with me at every chance for some reason (but maybe that was just me being over-sensitive). But after that train ride, I was really looking forward to having good quality conversation, and I decided I wouldn't hold back on the questions I was going to ask.

The trip went really well overall. The first day we had chicken rice for lunch after touchdown, then we went to the sea eagle jetty and some taman legenda park, then we went to buy drinks and headed to the beach for him to settle his diving things. After that we went to this really nice place that overlooks the entire beach and had drinks, and really, really good conversation. Well, I mean throughout, whenever we were driving around (and some of the drives were really pretty long), we would talk as well, but the conversation we had at that place was really something to remember. I was honestly surprised at his level of openness and vulnerability, and his willingness to share just about everything. Every question I posed, he answered honestly and without hesitation. He gave really careful thought to them and gave really sincere responses. That, for me, was probably one of the good highlights of the trip, and I deeply treasure that exchange. That night we talked for so, so long. We talked over dinner, we talked over post-dinner drinks, we went out to grab KFC and continued to talk. We talked so much.

The second day he went off to dive in the morning, and I spent the morning on the beach thinking, reading, walking around and exploring. It was really good alone time that I haven't had in a very long time, and it was very good. Although, maybe it was a little too long and I had too much time to my thoughts, so they started flying everywhere. But anyway. We met for lunch after, and hung around a little bit, and went to the cable car and sky bridge, but the sky bridge was closed. We hung out a little at the theme park, going for rides and stuff, then headed back to the hotel. We then headed to the night market to grab food, and went back to eat. This was the night when we had Wild Turkey bourbon, and we had definitely had too much. But all was good and everyone was safe, and that's most important.

The third day we slept in, and I got my period coupled with cramps, so I wasn't feeling the best. We went out to find roti canai for brunch and got a parking ticket because apparently we were supposed to put coupons but didn't. After brunch we drove up to Gunung Raya, the highest point of the island but honestly there wasn't that much view. Then we just kinda drove around and got off at random spots to walk. After that we decided to go back to the hotel and nap, and then come out again for dinner. We ended up sleeping for super long, and only did dinner at like 9pm. We had really, really good seafood at a place pretty near our hotel. All was well and fine, then when we reached back, he commented that it was a short drive, so I suggested why not just keep driving on then, kind of aimlessly, so we did. Just kinda went round and round, and it was nice. I love drives like that. Then as we were almost reaching our hotel, there was an accident, because apparently our car suddenly braked and swerved into the left lane, and the motorcycle behind us didn't have time to slow down and skidded when it swerved to avoid banging the car. No major injuries, thankfully, and everything was well sorted, but deep down somewhere I feel it's my fault for two reasons: 1) Maybe I shouldn't have suggested the drive; if we hadn't gone for the drive, the accident wouldn't have happened at all; 2) I should have mentioned to him that he was driving way too fast. I did feel like he was speeding, and maybe if I had told him to slow down just a bit, the motorcycle behind us wouldn't have needed to swerve, and the accident could have been avoided. I think I will always carry this burden with me, as I do the previous accident in Thailand.

The next day we just headed back to Singapore. The following day we met again with other friends for drinks, and there was a little incident that got me quite frustrated with him. So because we were supposed to go to Batam the next day with another friend, and initially he said he would get the ferry tickets, and I said I would go and meet him because I had some card that could have potentially gotten us a discount. I changed so many of my day's plans because of that, and then later on in the afternoon he says that he will end really late somewhere in town, and I was really irritated because it was so last minute, and I felt it was quite irresponsible of him. When I brought it up to him he got pretty defensive about it, which frustrated me even more, but to his credit, he asked if I was okay, which I obviously had to say yes under the social circumstances but I was actually not.

Anyway, long story short, Batam was pretty all right. We had an intense conversation with our other friend through the night, and it was a really good trip overall, although there were undeniably some points during the trip when I couldn't have wanted to be more alone. Would I travel with the two of them again? Probably not.

This is the first time I've ever written so extensively about my experience with anyone at all. And my question is, why? Why do I remember every detail so clearly? Why am I losing sleep over this? To be honest with myself, have I ever considered the possibility of us being together? Sure. I have. But will there actually ever be the chance we are together? Absolutely not. And I need to sort these feelings out.

Maybe we got too close too fast. Everything that happened on the trip drew us so close so suddenly, that there isn't time to negotiate or understanding what's going on. We bore our hearts, we spoke openly, we were so vulnerable, so emotionally intimate, and it was almost like from strangers to best friends all within 24 hours. I haven't had the time to think it through, to digest it, to comprehend it. And I imagine that's a problem with me. I'm difficult to get close to, but I get close to people very quickly, very intensely.

So here's my verdict on him, to try to make sense of this whole situation:
1. He is a man full of false promises. He makes promises easily, and perhaps too quickly, but isn't able to deliver all of them. This makes him somewhat unreliable at times. He is also very prone to leading girls on, although I don't think he is aware of this.
2. He is predictably unpredictable. You can never guess his response, and if you don't know him well, you'll never be able to guess what he's thinking. But once you grasp his essence, he is so readable.
3. He makes people around him feel safe. I would trust him with my life, and I don't trust people easily. People (or at least for me) want to open up to him. I want to tell him things. I want him to know more about me. I want us to be really, really good and close friends. I want to be someone special to him. And that's exactly what is so scary about this: I don't want to trust people, because people disappoint. He has disappointed, and I know he will again, because that's just people, but a big part of me wants to bear my heart and soul to him, and I want him to tell me everything too.
4. He's a paradox. You would expect him to be a particular sort of person based on the way he acts and what he does, but once you get to know him, you realise that he's completely different from the impression he gives off. And you begin to understand why he does certain things and behaves in a certain way, and it makes sense, but then it also doesn't make sense. It's difficult to put into words.

My thoughts during the trip together was that after the trip, we will either become best friends, or we won't be friends at all. This remains to be seen; I think only time will tell.

Am I confused? Yes. Extremely. And I think it hurts all the more because I know this will never, ever be possible. So I need to manage this and get this cleared before it progresses or gets any more serious.

I'm in dangerous territory here.

the revival of thoughts...

...and the re-expression of words.

okay, so i havent posted anything here in over a year, but it doesn't mean i haven't been thinking and reflecting! this year has been particularly interesting; i tried journalling in written form, and then in typing, and well, each has its own benefits i suppose.

for some reason i've come back to blogging, but i suppose it is a way of journalling, just perhaps more public. but anyhow.

the cell went for fusion on saturday night, and halfway through, i found nic just sitting on one of the pews, not doing anything. he looked bored (i guess he usually does anyway) and he wasn't in a posture of worship, he was just sitting there. so i went up to him and asked if he was okay, and we ended up talking outside. he shared some of his questions with me and i suppose i have to say that those questions are similar to ones that i have had. i couldn't provide answers because i myself havent found my own, and i dont suppose i am obligated even to give answers, but he looked quite expectant, and well, i probably disappointed him. i'm glad he's questioning, but i wonder if his depth of thought is too deep for me to handle. i'm really not confident of being able to handle his questions, to provide him with satisfactory opinions and viewpoints. i suppose what si en said about iron sharpening iron is true. that while i may not be ready or even have the capacity to handle his questions, it's more important to just help him sharpen his thoughts and clarify his mind, and i suppose in the process i myself get sharpened as well.

my concern for him though is that he thinks and he questions, but he doesnt pursue any further. and if he's not in the mood then he won't feel like thinking at all. i guess he can be quite the emotional boy, and he has his moments of revelation and epiphany. perhaps i'm just thinking too much about it and reading into things too much. hmm.

so i shared some of the questions with sien and isaac, and well, just see how things go on wednesday when i meet him i guess. i'm really praying for an open heart for him to share, and wisdom and the correct words for me to say.

[edit] what is with this new blogger layout that does not recognise new paragraphs and you have to manually create your own breaks?![/edit]

i will forget

but more importantly, Lord, teach me to forgive.

the peace and the guilt

the sunny afternoon, the humidity making me sweat profusely.

the preparation, the friends who make me laugh even while i work.

the start, the arrival of guests and their anticipation for the event.

the grace, the prayer said by andrew.

the food, the music, the fellowship, the laughter, the chatter, the people.

the night breeze, the peace, the solitude for a while.

the clean up, even more sweating, the arms aching.

the photo taking, the instax wasting, the packing and leaving.

the cabbing, the chatting.

it's been a wonderful day.

despite the nagging guilt that i should be having fun.

teach me, Lord, through your wisdom, to discern what time is for what.

breathless and helpless

how often do we think of death? this question came into my head as we waited for kenneth to come down. suddenly the people around me started to talk about death and how scary it is, but how often does this happen? how often do we really take a sit back and think of what is truly important in life? and how hard does reality have to hit us before we learn?

i'm somewhat puzzled by how affected i am by the death of kenneth's dad. for some reason, i feel like im making it a much bigger deal than it should be or is. but i dont understand why. and i seem to be the only one who is affected to this extent. or maybe the others are too, but theyre not showing it. i dont know. i'm so confused.

maybe its because of the fact that its kenneth, and he's such a special friend. from the first day we met for orientation in J1, my life has been a challenge. how on earth do i get along with this guy who swears so much (more than i had ever witnessed at that point in my life), is so against Christ and hates christianity, and who just seems so hard to get along with? worst still, we become classmates. how on earth can i survive my jc life with this person who punctuates his sentences with profanities, and is so against my belief? what if he ends up hating me or something happens that causes me to stumble or...

but the past 2 years getting to know this boy have been nothing short of amazing. he's a great guy, a great friend, and someone who really just accepts you as you are. sure, there are times when i've been disappointed (although i really am not in the position to be disappointed) by him, and there are times when he gives me false hope. but for some reason, God has helped him to remain as a faithful friend to me.

the word that comes into my head now is reflection. somehow, this whole situation happening now seems to be somewhat of a reflection of my relationship with God. though im not seeing the parallels, the word reflection is speaking out so strongly to me.

when will we ever stop regretting? when will we ever realise our time is limited? when will we ever wake up from our slumber and dream that the world is a perfect place?

what of the christians then? those who swear, those who smoke, those who dont give a second thought about their faith? i'm not trying to be self-righteous here, and neither do i think i am a better christian than them, and im not judging either (theyre my friends!). in fact, i quite thank them because they force me to reflect on my own christian faith. do i avoid them just because i dont feel comfortable aroudn them? do i stick to my christian friends and circles because i feel safe there?



i dont know how long it will take me to get over this. i feel like God is teaching me a different kind of genuine compassion. not just empathising or sympathising, but really knowing what the person is going through and crying with them and for them and mourning with them. it is so tiring, and it makes me feel so lousy cos i cant be strong for the person.

life goes on, we forget the past, we forget our lessons, and we face it all pver again in the future. thats typically life, right? but this is only possible, i believe, because of the grace that God gives to us. without that grace, every time we fall, we cannot stand. thank God for his grace.

i'm praying for you, kenneth. and im praying for your family too. im praying for comfort and strength, and for salvation for you and your family. please dont turn away. God is calling you so much louder now than ever before. don't turn a deaf ear to him. listen and seek him, and you will find him.

Emmanuel, God with us.

Have i lost sight of what is important?

the past few years, my christian walk has been pretty bumpy. there were highs, there were lows. there were times when God called me but i strayed, and he had to pull me back real hard with maximum force, but i strayed again in no time. how many times will God have to pull me back for me to stay close to him? Will he ever give up? the answer is no.

but my next question is, how hard do i have to be pulled back in order to stay close to him?

well, tonight was really hard.

i was forced to learn the hard way. learning about how fragile life is, not for the believers, but for non-believers. because the moment they're gone, there's no more hope for them. there's no turning back, no second chances, nothing.

there are 2 things you cant do in heaven that you can do only on earth: sin, and evangelise. which would you choose?

i want to choose evangelism, but at the same time i recognise the challenge that comes along with it. the massive burden that evangelism is tagged with. of course i know the importance of bringing people to Christ. but how do i struggle with that possibility of rejection? how do i cope with being judged by people as a hypocrite?

and that's where i'm wrong, because everything is about me again, when it's supposed to be christ-focused. i need to rethink about what the true challenges of evangelism are.

furthermore, God is the only one who can convict a person and soften his/her heart. Then comes the question, why doesnt he do that for everyone then? well, i dont have answers, but God and only God knows what he's doing. and what he wants is also that we be WITNESSES. we just simply need to witness. of course God knows our gifts, he made us! and im pretty sure he knows what he made us for. and if evangelism isnt our gift, it doesnt mean we dont try. and it doesnt mean we dont do it. i think it just means we do it in the way that God has made us to do it. for example, if you're not good at speaking, then you may not need to be the one who is sharing the gospel. you may just need to be the one providing the food at alpha, for example. witnessing people coming to Christ.

the christian life is complex in its simplicity. the christian life is all about faith. then begs the question, what is faith?

well, all i can say, and i quote, is that it takes faith to understand.

And by faith we understand that we do not need to have all the answers, even though we continually seek answers.

which really is what christianity is all about. we continually seek answers, but even if we dont get them, we continue to BELIEVE.

well, God is really gonna make life exciting for me from now on, and i just know it. He's not gonna let me sit around and idle anymore. oh yes, i am scared. but i anticipate how i can be used as well. and i really hope i will remember all this.

I was sure by now,
that You would have reached down
and wiped our tears away,
stepped in and saved the day.
But once again, I say amen
and it's still raining
as the thunder rolls
I barely hear You whisper through the rain,
"I'm with you"
and as Your mercy falls
I raise my hands and praise
the God who gives and takes away.

And I'll praise you in this storm
and I will lift my hands
for You are who You are
no matter where I am
and every tear I've cried
You hold in your hand
You never left my side
and though my heart is torn
I will praise You in this storm

I remember when I stumbled in the wind
You heard my cry to You
and raised me up again
my strength is almost gone how can I carry on
if I can't find You
and as the thunder rolls
I barely hear You whisper through the rain
"I'm with you"
and as Your mercy falls
I raise my hands and praise
the God who gives and takes away

I lift my eyes onto the hills
where does my help come from?
My help comes from the Lord, the maker of heaven and earth
I lift my eyes onto the hills
where does my help come from?
My help comes from the Lord, the maker of heaven and earth

thank you

Everything - Lifehouse

Find me here
Speak to me
I want to feel you
I need to hear you
You are the light
That's leading me
To the place where I find peace again.

You are the strength, that keeps me walking.
You are the hope, that keeps me trusting.
You are the light to my soul.
You are my purpose...you're everything.

How can I stand here with you and not be moved by you?
Would you tell me how could it be any better than this?

You calm the storms, and you give me rest.
You hold me in your hands, you won't let me fall.
You steal my heart, and you take my breath away.
Would you take me in? Take me deeper now?

How can I stand here with you and not be moved by you?
Would you tell me how could it be any better than this?
And how can I stand here with you and not be moved by you?
Would you tell me how could it be any better than this?

Cause you're all I want, You're all I need
You're everything,everything
You're all I want your all I need
You're everything, everything.
You're all I want you're all I need.
You're everything, everything
You're all I want you're all I need, you're everything, everything.

And How can I stand here with you and not be moved by you?
Would you tell me how could it be any better than this?
How can I stand here with you and not be moved by you?
Would you tell me how could it be any better than this?

Would you tell me how could it be any better than this?