siiiiiiiiiiiiiiigh.

rehearsals are really getting to me. its really tough. its taking up so so so much of my time. im like committing so much to rehearsals, but i dont know for what. no one seems to take it seriously. its just. another rehearsal. no one seems to realise how critical it is at this point. im not so sure its gonna work out. well, its really difficult. im being so mood swingy. pfffffffft. and emo.

today emo side overwhelmed me. i was really pissed when kiat said i was late. i mean, what the hell. i was in school at like 845 when rehearsals were at 9. i went up to the hall and started folding the frikkin shawls. i got so pissed off i didnt bother anymore after that and just stuffed everything in the bags. then i met kiat and told me and nic to distribute the shawls to choir and cast members. so we did. and then we got ready for golgotha. and the cross was a small screw up but jon blew up over that. wth? he doesnt even tell us when we have to be on standby or anything and he expects us to know everything. but anyway. after the run through, i got scolded for being late. thats not very fair now is it? i was alone upstairs in the hall. doing what? frikkin folding shawls for the stupid cast and choir. and i get scolded for being late. then, we get scolded for starting an hour late wen we finished 10 minutes early. what the hell is his problem?! its ridiculous? why is the blame put on us? we cant possibly take care of EVERYTHING now can we.

after that we had to preset props and it got me so pissed after that meeting. i couldnt eat at all so nic and i went into the audi where nic slept and i was re-writing notes. we got ready for walkthrough of route b, everything was nice. we finished like 40 minutes early. then we were given a short break, preset props again for concurrent runs of routes a and b. everything went nicely until annun where the stage managers werent there, script wasnt there, no gabriel, jon probably blew up again, blah blah blah. and i assume that they blame it on me again. because i was holding onto the script. kinda got told off by ms kek. bleeding woman scene had no bleeding woman, jon got pissed some more, after that went to woman at the well, was kinda fun and then i was late for golgotha, got questioned by judy, she made it seem like my fault again, evil people screwed up, jon pissed again, blah blah blah, finale and everything was over. by that time i was seriously feeling the pressure. already. but couldnt really do anything. but when i was re-writing notes i already wanted to cry. had to stop myself.

then had a debrief and notes session, luckily i wasnt at fault for anything. then came the bad parts. my legs were aching quite bad, then shawls still werent folded properly, we have a 90% stupid cast and choir, they just dumped all their shawls on my table, how the heck am i supposed to bring them up. stupid brainless asses. and only jia en and merryn offered to help. and they were already told off bout the shawls, yet we still saw shawls being dumped on the seats. got me so pissed off, i walked up, dumped everything, threw the sticks down and stormed off. then when deborah picked up a shawl and asked if she was supposed to fold it, and sze lin said yes, i just completely blew up. i really couldnt take it anymore. i literally shouted at her. and i feel really really bad. then we had some production meeting and eustacia's mum came in, made a racket, demanded to see kelly, i had to go and find her with aching legs, couldnt find her, went upstairs, still couldnt find her, realised she left for cell but by then mrs chen took over.

then i went back to the audi and found out that the meeting was over, asked jen what he said and she said not much, just bout the lists, and then by then i was like on the verge of tears already. then sze lin came out and then they were like " are you ok" and i really couldnt hold it back anymore. i jsut broke down and cried. i just cried and cried and cried. it was really difficult to hold it back. and then i think they were at loss of what to do. they just kept asking me what was wrong and all that, and i told them bout the people being so demanding and everything. it was so difficult to like. stop. but they were just there and they just listened. and told me like what to do. it really really helped. then mrs chen and mrs lim came in and she spoke to me and told me what to do if i have difficulty. it just really helped lah and i was pretty ok after that.

shit i cant believe how weak i am. i mean, breaking down in front of seniors plus 2 teachers?! its kinda. ridiculous. but anyhow. i think i need to be emotionally stronger. i cant keep crying can i. well, yeah sure i can at home, but if i keep crying in school, probably no one will listen to me. sigh. guess i have to keep stuff in and stop relying on people.

siiiiiiiiiiiiigh. guess ill leave it to God