SPOOF

man. rant post.

ok. like, i know this year's gonna be like a really tough year. and i dunno, but i really just wanna do everything to the best of my abilities, and i know to do that ive really gotta change my attitude, but man, sometimes its so difficult. i mean, its tough. truth be told. i really wanna get into triple science but everytime i think of studying i just grow sick of that idea. like, i dunno. i'm kinda confused now, really.

what with 2h, and trying to bond everyone. sometimes i wonder, am i being too ambitious and like, not setting my priorities right? like, really. i mean, who doesnt wanna excel right. but its tough. having two older sisters, its not easy to be able to reach up to their level.

this year's gonna be a real busy year, especially for studies. and honestly, i dont wanna be compared to kelly. i want people to see me for who i am. and not expect the same of me from kelly. i mean, we're all different right, and sometimes the standard that she sets, i'm not able to reach that. she's a really great sister, and i know that, but its a bit too much to expect the same from me right? i mean, I'M the one feeling the pressure. i'm the one who is worrying about being able to meet up to the expectations or not. and its really difficult.

sometimes i wonder what i'm doing all this for. my own benefit perhaps? am i really doing it for God, which i'm supposed to be doing? WHAT am i really doing? i'm really quite tired.

sometimes i feel i'm really fake too. after the suicidal episode, everyone probably thinks i'm pretty much ok now. which i initially thought so. but now, i'm finding that i dont have a person to whom i can confide in. no one really bothers to listen, i cant find someone who is willing to listen. which is why i'm pretty desperate for a best friend. because there's no one whom i can talk to, who will listen to me, who can understand me. but there's no one. like, honestly. i just cant talk to anyone cos its uncomfortable for me to do so.

friendship is another topic. i find i dont have any real friends. i mean, yeah have more faith in them, but i dunno, sometimes it just seems that way. i dont wanna believe that but sometimes, it really just occurs to me in school like after lessons or during recess, like i have no one to go recess with, no one to hang out with after school. its tough. and sometimes i want to cry. but there's no one to cry to.

i'm emotionally drained. i have no idea. i'm just really tired. and one day i'm gonna be so tired to the extent that i'm just gonna want to give up everything in life, even life in itself. ive drifted from like school friends, church friends from the start of this year. i really want to maintain the friendships made but it does take two hands to clap doesnt it. everyone thinks i'm like, oh such a good counsellor and all, but is that all they see me as? i really doubt they even think of me as a friend. i'm just a nobody who is ignored and no one will even notice if like i disappeared one day or went missing. no one would notice if i fell to my death one day suddenly. i'm just this insignificant thing whom no one would notice if it were wiped from the face of the earth. no one really understands me. its tough keeping everything inside. but do i have an option? no. because there's no one i can confide in.

i want to really keep my faith in God and i know i'm drifting from Him. its difficult. like sometimes when i talk to Him, there's no reply and it is quite discouraging sometimes. i want to draw nearer to Him and i wanna make my walk closer with Him.

everyone thinks like my mentality has stabilised and i'm like this really happy cheerful perfectly normal kid who has no problems. i mean, yeah, i'm crucified to the world and the world to me, but of course everyone of us have got problems right. and some have more than others, and i'm sure i'm not one of those who have like a whole long list of problems and i think i'm complaining too much, but really. i'm feeling quite stressed lah. emotionally and spiritually. sigh. i'm feeling really confused now. like everyone thinks i'm ok and i want to think i'm ok, but there're so many things going on and i really dont think i'm ok. i'm gonna go nuts again. die.

i need a shrink man. ):