i will forget

but more importantly, Lord, teach me to forgive.

the peace and the guilt

the sunny afternoon, the humidity making me sweat profusely.

the preparation, the friends who make me laugh even while i work.

the start, the arrival of guests and their anticipation for the event.

the grace, the prayer said by andrew.

the food, the music, the fellowship, the laughter, the chatter, the people.

the night breeze, the peace, the solitude for a while.

the clean up, even more sweating, the arms aching.

the photo taking, the instax wasting, the packing and leaving.

the cabbing, the chatting.

it's been a wonderful day.

despite the nagging guilt that i should be having fun.

teach me, Lord, through your wisdom, to discern what time is for what.

breathless and helpless

how often do we think of death? this question came into my head as we waited for kenneth to come down. suddenly the people around me started to talk about death and how scary it is, but how often does this happen? how often do we really take a sit back and think of what is truly important in life? and how hard does reality have to hit us before we learn?

i'm somewhat puzzled by how affected i am by the death of kenneth's dad. for some reason, i feel like im making it a much bigger deal than it should be or is. but i dont understand why. and i seem to be the only one who is affected to this extent. or maybe the others are too, but theyre not showing it. i dont know. i'm so confused.

maybe its because of the fact that its kenneth, and he's such a special friend. from the first day we met for orientation in J1, my life has been a challenge. how on earth do i get along with this guy who swears so much (more than i had ever witnessed at that point in my life), is so against Christ and hates christianity, and who just seems so hard to get along with? worst still, we become classmates. how on earth can i survive my jc life with this person who punctuates his sentences with profanities, and is so against my belief? what if he ends up hating me or something happens that causes me to stumble or...

but the past 2 years getting to know this boy have been nothing short of amazing. he's a great guy, a great friend, and someone who really just accepts you as you are. sure, there are times when i've been disappointed (although i really am not in the position to be disappointed) by him, and there are times when he gives me false hope. but for some reason, God has helped him to remain as a faithful friend to me.

the word that comes into my head now is reflection. somehow, this whole situation happening now seems to be somewhat of a reflection of my relationship with God. though im not seeing the parallels, the word reflection is speaking out so strongly to me.

when will we ever stop regretting? when will we ever realise our time is limited? when will we ever wake up from our slumber and dream that the world is a perfect place?

what of the christians then? those who swear, those who smoke, those who dont give a second thought about their faith? i'm not trying to be self-righteous here, and neither do i think i am a better christian than them, and im not judging either (theyre my friends!). in fact, i quite thank them because they force me to reflect on my own christian faith. do i avoid them just because i dont feel comfortable aroudn them? do i stick to my christian friends and circles because i feel safe there?



i dont know how long it will take me to get over this. i feel like God is teaching me a different kind of genuine compassion. not just empathising or sympathising, but really knowing what the person is going through and crying with them and for them and mourning with them. it is so tiring, and it makes me feel so lousy cos i cant be strong for the person.

life goes on, we forget the past, we forget our lessons, and we face it all pver again in the future. thats typically life, right? but this is only possible, i believe, because of the grace that God gives to us. without that grace, every time we fall, we cannot stand. thank God for his grace.

i'm praying for you, kenneth. and im praying for your family too. im praying for comfort and strength, and for salvation for you and your family. please dont turn away. God is calling you so much louder now than ever before. don't turn a deaf ear to him. listen and seek him, and you will find him.

Emmanuel, God with us.

Have i lost sight of what is important?

the past few years, my christian walk has been pretty bumpy. there were highs, there were lows. there were times when God called me but i strayed, and he had to pull me back real hard with maximum force, but i strayed again in no time. how many times will God have to pull me back for me to stay close to him? Will he ever give up? the answer is no.

but my next question is, how hard do i have to be pulled back in order to stay close to him?

well, tonight was really hard.

i was forced to learn the hard way. learning about how fragile life is, not for the believers, but for non-believers. because the moment they're gone, there's no more hope for them. there's no turning back, no second chances, nothing.

there are 2 things you cant do in heaven that you can do only on earth: sin, and evangelise. which would you choose?

i want to choose evangelism, but at the same time i recognise the challenge that comes along with it. the massive burden that evangelism is tagged with. of course i know the importance of bringing people to Christ. but how do i struggle with that possibility of rejection? how do i cope with being judged by people as a hypocrite?

and that's where i'm wrong, because everything is about me again, when it's supposed to be christ-focused. i need to rethink about what the true challenges of evangelism are.

furthermore, God is the only one who can convict a person and soften his/her heart. Then comes the question, why doesnt he do that for everyone then? well, i dont have answers, but God and only God knows what he's doing. and what he wants is also that we be WITNESSES. we just simply need to witness. of course God knows our gifts, he made us! and im pretty sure he knows what he made us for. and if evangelism isnt our gift, it doesnt mean we dont try. and it doesnt mean we dont do it. i think it just means we do it in the way that God has made us to do it. for example, if you're not good at speaking, then you may not need to be the one who is sharing the gospel. you may just need to be the one providing the food at alpha, for example. witnessing people coming to Christ.

the christian life is complex in its simplicity. the christian life is all about faith. then begs the question, what is faith?

well, all i can say, and i quote, is that it takes faith to understand.

And by faith we understand that we do not need to have all the answers, even though we continually seek answers.

which really is what christianity is all about. we continually seek answers, but even if we dont get them, we continue to BELIEVE.

well, God is really gonna make life exciting for me from now on, and i just know it. He's not gonna let me sit around and idle anymore. oh yes, i am scared. but i anticipate how i can be used as well. and i really hope i will remember all this.

I was sure by now,
that You would have reached down
and wiped our tears away,
stepped in and saved the day.
But once again, I say amen
and it's still raining
as the thunder rolls
I barely hear You whisper through the rain,
"I'm with you"
and as Your mercy falls
I raise my hands and praise
the God who gives and takes away.

And I'll praise you in this storm
and I will lift my hands
for You are who You are
no matter where I am
and every tear I've cried
You hold in your hand
You never left my side
and though my heart is torn
I will praise You in this storm

I remember when I stumbled in the wind
You heard my cry to You
and raised me up again
my strength is almost gone how can I carry on
if I can't find You
and as the thunder rolls
I barely hear You whisper through the rain
"I'm with you"
and as Your mercy falls
I raise my hands and praise
the God who gives and takes away

I lift my eyes onto the hills
where does my help come from?
My help comes from the Lord, the maker of heaven and earth
I lift my eyes onto the hills
where does my help come from?
My help comes from the Lord, the maker of heaven and earth