im hurt. really hurt. i mean, you really dont know me do you. i treasured our friendship, and i would never ever post as an anonymous on anybody's blog. i respect the owner of the blog. and if i did post as an anonymous, then my post on anonymous people would have been completely invalid. am i really that kind of person on your eyes?
i dont know how you got the idea that i hate you. but ive never hated you before. even when our friendship ended. even when
you ended our friendship. you dont know how depressed i was when i lost you. i cried. almost every night. because you were one of my most trusted friends. but did anyone notice me? did anyone notice that i was upset? no. everyone just looked to you. everyone sided with you. what about me? our ended friendship caused a big hoo-haa. but no one noticed me. no one asked me for my opinion. so it seemed everything was my fault. i was behind everything. no one heard my side of the story.
this entire year ive been trying to forget. for the first part of the year i acted like everything was normal. everything was over. i was fine. but i wasnt. i cried every night. i confided in joan. but she couldnt help. she was there for me though. both of us confided in each other. and i really appreciated it. at least someone was there to listen to me. but i started to get cautious. i was afraid that what happened to both of us would happen to me and joan. so i started pretending everything was fine. i acted happy in school. i laughed and did everything i could to forget you. but it didnt help. i kept everything inside of me until i was on the point of suicide. but God saved me. He showed me really how many people cared for me. and i'm really grateful for that. all this while he's sent friends to show me His path. during church camp he sent sandra, ian and isaac. in school he sent grace, suyi, lydia and many other friends to show me how much they really cared for me. and i've been fine since. really great. and i completely forgot about you. my wound has healed. but you had to send that email and once again strike another time and not only that, you added salt.
i really want to forget everything that happened. in the past many years since p2. i want to forget you, the times i've spent with you. i really want to forget. because everytime i remember, it just brings tears to my eyes. and i breakdown over and over again. i really want to try and be optimistic and get on with life. i dont want to fall back into depression and disappoint everyone again. i've been trying to get closer on my walk with God. i'm feeling really blessed that He's sent unto me such a wonderful friend such as you, but by breaking us up, He must have a plan. i'm not going to hate Him for it, because i know all His doings are for my good. and He's sent so many other friends.
time and time again when i'm about to completely forget about you, you just have to do something and come into my life again. i pray and pray that i can just count my blessings instead of my misfortunes but its just so difficult because i'm reminded of the past. God has really brought many people into my life. some are destined to stay, while others are forgotten. i think you are one who is meant to be forgotten. but you have to torture me.
not long after we ended our friendship and even until now, there are people who ask me why i'm not friends with you anymore and what happened. i cant answer them and all i can give is "i dont wanna talk about it". i'm not embarrassed. truth is, i dont know what happened. i heard you say i've changed. but havent you as well? its inevitable that people change right. are you to say you have never changed before? from how i look at it, you've changed vastly. yes i've changed, and i'm trying to change for the better. everytime someone mentions your name, i'll just stiffen up and feel really uncomfortable. i'm not feeling guilty, but i feel uneasy.
after that episode, i've been telling myself. i have to be stronger. not only on the outside but also on the inside. i have to be emotionally and spiritually stronger. and i think ive achieved that. i want to keep the memories but they're just so painful to remember. sometimes i want to confide in someone, but then again i tell myself, no, i have to be strong, remember? i cant tell other my problems and burden. and i believe its because of my stubornness that drags me down because i'm lain with others' problems as well as my own. but i trust that makes me a stronger person. it may be wrong, but its my belief.
sometimes i want to talk to you. to clear things up. but you give up so easily. you're the second friend i've lost. i wonder is it me, am i destined not to be able to maintain any friends? i dont want to believe that. i really dont. i want to see myself as a great friend, and one who has many great friends. but its difficult because after what happened with you, its so difficult to trust. its painful for me to trust anymore. the friends i trust are friends whom i've known for a long time, old friends. and church friends. you
were an old friend which is one reason why i trust you so much. you were also very encouraging and never laughed at me because of my size. you just accepted me for who i was. and i think thats a brilliant quality you have. you were there when i needed a shoulder to cry on, you just comforted me by being there. you shared my joy, my pain, you listened to me. we've been through so much. in p3 we werent in the same class but we went for recess together almost everyday. in p4 daniella came in, and thats whe we drifted. i was overjoyed when we were in the same class in p5, but lesley came as a dam between us. in p6, daniella and enqi always hung around you and i felt you started to ignore me. it just painful seeing my best friend being taken away. well, maybe i was never your best friend. but i saw you as mine.
are friendships really that difficult to maintain? i dont think so. it takes two hands to clap. somehow i feel i should thank you. for being a great friend and also leaving me so i can be stronger now. i think if you were still my friend, i'd be such a weakling, running to you every now and then and disturbing and pestering you with my problems. i think if we broke up any later, the impact would have been greater.
i have to put on a mask and i can only take it off when i'm alone. i cant cry in fear of it rusting and falling apart. the mask masks only my heart. but not who i am. i will show who i really am, but i wont show my wound. and i will continue wearing it, even if it means putting my life at stake.
